Don't Stop Eating Cake.

So tomorrow's my birthday! "Beware the Ides of March"....uh, beware Melinda's wrath if thou hast no cake!

Why is it birthdays and holidays really seem to be the only time for reflection? Now that I'm not working, I have a lot more time to think. But you know what? Thinking sometimes is unnerving. You have your opinions on politics, fashion, the frou-frou stuff of everyday life, but then when you think about the short journey life really is, neckties start chafing and must be loosened. There's incessant looking at the clock. Fiddling with the hair. All to distract us from the uncomfortableness that is sometimes life.

Stupid me has been feeling uncomfortable for awhile. Back in 2005, right after my divorce, I was fragile. A stiff wind could blow me over, it seemed. But amazingly, I figured out how to open up my own bank accounts, get my car fixed, drive myself everywhere I needed to go, find my own apartment, and pay for myself and my cats. I shed 30 pounds. Funny how two jobs and stress can make you not eat. I even enrolled in dance lessons, which was incredibly scary to me. I hated walking into buildings first; doing it alone, where I knew nobody, made me quite vulnerable. But I learned that I could stand on my own two feet. I didn't need anybody to take care of me. I missed companionship, but I enjoyed living on my own. My mess to clean up. My cats to care for. My safety to worry about. The option to sleep on the couch with popcorn kernels on my shirt if I didn't feel like moving after watching a movie at 2 a.m. Me me me. Freedom.

Fast forward 5 years. I haven't gained back all of the weight, but I'm darn close, and I hate that. Go exercise, Melinda. Check. Doing that. But I want to be thin again NOW! I'm married and enjoying life with my husband, who I adore. We moved to Bosnia, then to Indiana, and now to Virginia. We've had tons of adventures. As of late, adventures are lacking. John is working and dissertating, so he's unavailable much of the time. As it should be. Get 'er done! But my self-worth has been tied up in my job and what I did (as in you go to a party where you know no one and the first thing people ask is, "What do you do?"). It's a hard cycle to escape. I'm not just my job. But I identified really well with it. So what now?

My Auntie Em sent me a book called Gift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh, which I just picked up today. She thought it would help me in my quest to find my self-worth now that I'm not working full-time. The first chapter talks about how nothing mental happens at the beach the first time you visit. You have every intention, but when you sit, your tired body takes over and you relax. It reminded me of cruises I took in my previous life - when you're at sea, grab a chair and watch the waves roll by. If you're lucky, you'll be lulled to sleep by the sound of seaspray and be vaguely aware of shuffleboard nearby.

In my quest to find something, anything, to make me employable, I've forgotten how to just be. I'm a hard worker, and I'm a good worker. Whatever job I'm doing, you can be damn sure I throw myself into it. My stint as a kennel attendant was proof that I could shovel the shit and do a fine job, as my boss applauded my attitude and my work ethic and the ability to remain upright while a golden retriever tried to have his way with me, all the while worrying I'd have a heart attack from all the sweat I produced. (It was August, after all.) I am daunted by the fact that I know there are other hard workers out there. This economy sucks. Which is why I am at last leaving the insanity. I am going o learn to enjoy my time away from office politics. From deadlines imposed on me by others. From being chained to my desk while others roam free. Yes, I am still "wasting" some of my time. I watch too much TV and surf the internet. I worry about money. But I'm doing good things too. I'm babysitting, and I enjoy everything but the dirty diapers, but even those are far and few between. I got a gig typing up some notes for a guy so his attorney's secretary didn't have to. I found out how close I am to the George Washington National Forest. I went to the Air and Space Museum and saw the space shuttle Enterprise. Discovery will be coming this way as well. I am cooking more, and choosing to eat at home more, because I like the food at home better! I'm learning Photoshop, and I am amazed at what this program can do to pictures. I call my grandmother more often. (But not on any schedule because I like to keep her guessing.) And I am boning up on entrepreneurship because in this economy, it seems that you can only rely on yourself. It's funny - back in 2001, we had a recession. But because I had a job, I didn't even notice it. I felt bad for those who weren't working, but it didn't affect me. This time, I notice the effects. But perhaps it's the kick I needed to get my business brain on. Making bracelets when I was a kid, teaching violin lessons as a teen...how odd to not notice a trend for years. I crave freedom and the ability to do what I want when I want. So, I'm going to stop being stupid. I'm going to invision waves lapping at my feet and maybe being 10 pounds thinner so I don't worry about how I look in a bathing suit. Then, it will happen. I'm going to relax. I'm going to figure out, really figure out, what I want to do (I have an inkling, but I'm not willing to share just yet). It'll be hard, but I'm going to stop worrying so much. Stop laughing John, I'm going to! I'm still going to watch TV, but maybe a little less so I can think and be uncomfortable, have an "Aha!" moment, then feel good that I didn't zone out.

And I'm going to go eat more cake. 'Tis my birth month, after all.