My dear friends Pom and Logtar have made it a habit to blog pretty regularly...at least let's say more regularly than me, who manages to do it once or twice a year now that I'm not in Sarajevo. That's not to say things aren't happening, or that life is boring, but when you put your words out there, well, you're inviting people in. Do I want sometimes strangers in my life? Tons of people do it. I did it and it seemed to go over well. But eh. Apparently I don't want it that much since I haven't been blogging.
Lately, I've found it somewhat hard to talk. Maybe I should say communicate. In the earlier days of my life, I was married and then divorced. While at the time I hated being divorced, I was forced to take a hard look at who I was and what was important to me. I was able to find my voice, to think in the moment, and feel that I was enough. Period. Lately, that's been more difficult. I now have a 2 year old toddler who is entering Meltdown Mode at any given moment, and that irritates me. I have less time now, even though I'm working less hours. How does that happen? I don't really feel like I'm much in control, or in the moment, of anything except what I get to wear, and even that can change at the drop of a hat if said Toddler decides to spill something on me, intentional or not. The relationship with the husband has had its downs with a couple of ups too. I forget that marriage takes work, and I am not working at it. At the end of the day, I am exhausted. I'm sure he is too. And I have nothing to show for it! A house that's messy and FILLED to the brim with toys. A boss that constantly asks me, "Are you ok? You don't seem right." See? Even my thoughts just come blurting out. That boss line has nothing to do with being exhausted. Or does it? When I was better at analyzing myself, I would have these conversations. The "Whys" ensued. Why do I feel like this? And then I'd chase that thought down until I nailed down exactly what was going on. You know what? It was a bitch. I was in tears many a day. But you know what else? I felt really good about myself. These days, I don't feel quite as good. I worry a lot. I try to talk to the hubby, but I get really mad because he's always connected to his i-whatevers and I have to repeat myself to grab his attention.
And while I don't really get into the New Year's resolutions crap, I have read some blogs lately that recap their years to look for those gems of self-improvement. The first thing I thought when I opened this blog was, Well, you're another year older. What do you have to show for it? What are you doing that matters? And the only answer I had was, Not a damn thing.
So sad. And perhaps untrue, if I was in a better mood.
Mood has so much to do with what we're thinking about ourselves, our lives, our families. Maybe I need more chocolate. Or perhaps just a little more meditation with me, myself and I. Hubby got me a wonderful gift of massage, which I am greedily eyeing, trying to figure out when I can go. Will that help? Perhaps. In the earlier days of my life, I got a massage once every few months and a pedicure once a month during the sandal season. One could argue that those experiences certainly helped me be happy and in the moment...and it's not quite retail therapy, right?
So do I have any goals or resolutions for 2013? Nothing concrete. Not yet. "Be in a better place than last year" isn't measurable enough to count. I need to reflect, but I need time to reflect, preferably not at 10 pm or in the middle of the night when I'd rather be sleeping. (Toddler gets up a few times during the night. Last night, it was 5 times. 5. Ugh.)
