Again?

February's been a tough month.  My mother passed away 18 years ago this month, and I found out today that my cousin was killed in a house explosion in California on Friday.  She was 31, and she was married with 2 children, ages 2 and 4.  Her husband and children were ok, but the ceiling caved in on her and killed her.  I have no more details.  On one hand, I would like more details because maybe those are better than the details my brain has conjured up.  On the other, finding out more details may reinforce the thoughts that they were right.  I've spent most of the day crying for her and for her family.  I haven't seen her face to face since my mother's funeral, and the strongest memory I have of her is at the funeral.  The family and friends were all in the basement of the church after the service, and people had finally let my dad and me settle down.  Dad couldn't eat, but I was finally starting to get a small appetite back, so I sat down, and my cousin was somewhere very near me, and she looked at me and burst into tears.  I numbly ate something off my plate while she buried her head in her mom's arms.  At the time, it didn't mean much, but after years of reflection, it's come to mean a lot to me.  She was shaken and grieving along with me.  Now, I'm the one shaken and grieving for her.  It honestly scares the shit out of me.  I think most people don't expect to die.  Even though we know we will, and we have death all around us, we never think it'll happen until "somewhere in the future".  I have faith, but the thought of leaving my little guy before I'm ready is heart-wrenching.  Not seeing him grow up, exposing him to that pain of not having his mother around....you never want to leave that pain for your child, but usually the decision isn't ours.  Her death was tragic, and my heart aches for those little boys who will grow up without her and eventually hardly remember her.  All they know now is that Mommy's not coming home. A poor toddler wails and wails for his mom, but he has to be comforted by Daddy or Grandma or Grandpa.  It's never the same as the original safety net.