Eh.

I am now typing on my hubby's laptop. For the past month, it has been in the shop because the fan died, and when the fan died, the computer won't start up. Smart. The company didn't tell us until they'd had it a week that they had to order the fan from China, and there was no way to track it. So, fast forward a month, and here we are with a new fan in the computer. My hubby has his new desktop, I have his laptop, and things are ship-shape.

And while I am happy to be typing again on a computer that has a nice big screen and is not 11 years old (and fat and a little uncomfy), I think I may need to put this blogging thing on hold. See, I've been reading a lot of blogs ever since I went overseas, like The Simple Dollar, Mrs. Moneysaver, JustCara, General Blather, Get Rich Slowly, and Logtar's Blog, just to name a few (and I really do mean a few). I am a big fan of these blogs, but lately, writing my own just hasn't been as cathartic, or as interesting, as it had been. In order to have a sustainable audience, you need content and to be consistent. Right now, I've been neither of these things. And some things I think about don't need to be publicized for all to read. Like, for instance:

Is there ever a time in life where you don't question where you're going? There was a time I enjoyed the journey, but lately, it hasn't been as fun. I think it's because I don't know where I'm going. I see no purpose.

Will I ever find a job I like? I'm done being someone else's bitch, which is really how I've felt in this current position. Nothing I do is ever right. I don't answer the phone the right way. I don't save the Excel spreadsheets in the correct format. I print in color (gasp). I realize that the micromanaging boss is doing his job, but it is a real drag to go to a job where people don't think you're valuable and they never point out what you're doing right, only what you're doing "wrong". I have a subscription to Inc. magazine, and today I opened it up to read about companies people actually like to work for. I would like to belong to a place like that, but I'm finding it difficult to believe they actually exist. I also think starting a company would be great fun - and a ton of work - but not being a business person, I don't know where to begin going about it.

Will I ever find a church to belong to? One where people aren't just Sunday Christians, who are shitty to people during the week but think they're forgiven because they show up to zone out for an hour? And a place where I can swear with people nearby and they don't take offense or get all bent out of shape?

I guess the general theme here is, where do I belong?

Oh dear, where has the time gone?

Well, hello there! I didn't realize I hadn't posted anything here since April until Pomegranate said she went to the site and I hadn't posted anything since April. Oops. My bad.

Not entirely my fault, though. The main computer died, so my 11 year old dinosaur has been put into play and been taken over by my husband, who uses it all day long. I go to bed at 9 p.m. (I like my sleep). So there isn't much time for me to use it.

One set of in-laws visited a few weeks ago. Maybe a month ago now...and it rained the entire time. Muggy. Not quite pleasant. We tried driving on Skyline Drive. Waste of time because we couldn't see anything.

I found a hairstylist in Charlottesville that I love. Friendly, personable, and she cut my hair just the way I wanted it without any pictures. I will be going back.

We made it up to Chantilly to the new air and space museum, but I haven't gotten pictures off of my camera yet. But I got to see the space shuttle Enterprise. Discovery will be coming our way soon. I'm stoked.

We rearranged rooms in the house. The office is now in the basement, where it's cooler and larger. The hubby likes it a lot. And I do too, come to think of it, though I haven't been down here more than 30 minutes at a time. It helps that we have large windows so it doesn't really feel like a basement. It's technically the first floor of our home.

The construction job is still going. The happy corporate boss is a micromanager, and unfortunately, I don't really care for him. The site is getting busier and busier now. Drywall is up, trim is going in, painters are painting. Before you know it, the site will be done!

End of Week One.

Well, Dear Reader,

Here we are, again. This time I'm here to update you.

I got a job. A real, honest to goodness job. A 40 hour-a-week job, a you-don't-get-vacation-until-90-days job.

I'm an admin assistant on a construction site.

I'm overqualified. The reason I know this, in part, is because during my phone interview last week, the lady I replaced said, "You're overqualified." When I got to the wood-paneled trailer for my interview, my new boss said, "You're overqualified."

Yes, I know. But this job was one I applied to after thinking, Hey, this might be fun. And it'll get me away from the screaming children who live on the deck next door to me who do not know what a normal bedtime is for children.

It was the most bizarre interview I've ever had. Fun, yet not quite professional. Questions HR departments would be embarrassed to hear about, but I have a sense of humor and didn't bat an eye. The best (and legal) question I got was, "Have you had any experience around construction guys?" Apparently my 14 years in law firms with attorneys made them nervous that I couldn't handle heckling from the crews or give anyone a piece of my mind should the need arise.

Are they in for a shock. Sometimes, you'd think I was a sailor with the things that can come out of my mouth. I reserve those times for those closest to me, obviously. Or, if you've really pissed me off.

I landed the job that day, though I didn't know until my boss called me up about a half hour after I left the job site. And on Tuesday, I did some training in the corporate office an hour away, and had the last three days in the office with the admin I replaced. It's a lot of information. Scary words like "OSHA inspection" and "blemish that stays on your record for life" and "Porta John" (thankfully, I have my own). Guys who clean splinters out of their hands with pocket knives. Some who don't speak English. Tons of dirt, dust, and loose nails. Blueprints. Drills. Forklifts in yellow and green. Yes, green! Purchase orders, progress meetings, requests for information.

On Wednesday afternoon, I was a little flustered after the admin told me to go use the bathroom, and one of the bosses from the corporate office called, and I blanked on the name of the company. "Hello," I beamed and giggled nervously into the phone, "this is Melinda." The next day, I accidentally hung up on the same guy while trying to take off the mute button. He looks like a judge on The Wire, so I can't help but think he's a happy man. I hope I'm right. I think I am.

My boss, the superintendent, is 35, and also a farmer. He looks more seasoned. One of his cows had a calf today. The boss has long sandy colored hair that he always wears in a ponytail, and he has a belt buckle given to him by a friend that is maroon with a creme-colored imprint of guitar pegs in the middle. He's quite funny, loves coffee all day long, is pulled in all directions at once, and still manages to keep his cool. And he can take the ribbing from his admins. Like how he was so picky that the admin gave her notice a month ago and it took him 3 weeks to find me so all I got was four days' training.

The admin I'm replacing is fiery, to say the least. A huge flirt, which works well on this job, and about the size of my pinky, even though she eats all. day. long. She was one organized chick, so I have big shoes to fill. But I'm glad not to have to share the desk anymore. Today was a bit long. I hate being micromanaged. I can figure out Excel myself!

The guys....oh, the guys....everyday, the foremen report to me the number of guys they have on site, the time they get there and the time they leave, and what they're doing in the building. I take this information and put it in a daily report for the corporate office. So for the morning, it's relatively busy with guys coming in one after another to check in, and then they go out for the day. Sometimes I walk in the building to see what's going on. Tomorrow I'm to study the blueprints to figure out what everything means. I got a nice compliment today from one of the guys: "For a girl, I think you've done real well on the construction site."

Me and my pink hard hat agree.

I have grown seedlings!

Meet arugula:

And this is a cucumber, with some lettuce seedlings behind it:


I really don't have many problems starting seeds. It's keeping them alive that sometimes gets the better of me. Our weather has turned a little sour, with a high of 47 today and a low of 25 tonight, so my seeds and seedlings have gotten to know the top of my refrigerator quite well. I hope they make it.

If you like mountains, here you go.

These are some pictures I took earlier this week about 5 miles south of town.

Spring.

I've been keeping up with weather reports from the places I've lived and visited, and Arkansas yesterday had a foot of snow and likely some more. KC has some flooding going on, and we had some rain overnight. I'm glad it's been sunny here. This was my view from my hammock on Friday afternoon.


On Saturday morning, I decided that since it was going to be another nice day, I'd get up and photograph the sunrise. Or at least try to find the sunrise for some good shots. These were taken between 7:15 and 7:35 am.




Then I got tired of the same place so decided to drive around a bit, and I ended up taking a turn I didn't think I took and ended up at the new part of the JMU campus. Note the little wind turbine!


We have our seed started all planted and out on the deck, and we also have some chairs and a table out there. So now, not only can I lounge in my hammock, but we can have lunch and dinner outside!

Yesterday we took a trip to Charlottesville, and really, you're going to get tired of me saying it, but I just love the mountains. We drove through the Shenandoah National Forest on our way there, and while still a little drab, the leaves will be here soon enough. And there will be more pictures.

Don't Stop Eating Cake.

So tomorrow's my birthday! "Beware the Ides of March"....uh, beware Melinda's wrath if thou hast no cake!

Why is it birthdays and holidays really seem to be the only time for reflection? Now that I'm not working, I have a lot more time to think. But you know what? Thinking sometimes is unnerving. You have your opinions on politics, fashion, the frou-frou stuff of everyday life, but then when you think about the short journey life really is, neckties start chafing and must be loosened. There's incessant looking at the clock. Fiddling with the hair. All to distract us from the uncomfortableness that is sometimes life.

Stupid me has been feeling uncomfortable for awhile. Back in 2005, right after my divorce, I was fragile. A stiff wind could blow me over, it seemed. But amazingly, I figured out how to open up my own bank accounts, get my car fixed, drive myself everywhere I needed to go, find my own apartment, and pay for myself and my cats. I shed 30 pounds. Funny how two jobs and stress can make you not eat. I even enrolled in dance lessons, which was incredibly scary to me. I hated walking into buildings first; doing it alone, where I knew nobody, made me quite vulnerable. But I learned that I could stand on my own two feet. I didn't need anybody to take care of me. I missed companionship, but I enjoyed living on my own. My mess to clean up. My cats to care for. My safety to worry about. The option to sleep on the couch with popcorn kernels on my shirt if I didn't feel like moving after watching a movie at 2 a.m. Me me me. Freedom.

Fast forward 5 years. I haven't gained back all of the weight, but I'm darn close, and I hate that. Go exercise, Melinda. Check. Doing that. But I want to be thin again NOW! I'm married and enjoying life with my husband, who I adore. We moved to Bosnia, then to Indiana, and now to Virginia. We've had tons of adventures. As of late, adventures are lacking. John is working and dissertating, so he's unavailable much of the time. As it should be. Get 'er done! But my self-worth has been tied up in my job and what I did (as in you go to a party where you know no one and the first thing people ask is, "What do you do?"). It's a hard cycle to escape. I'm not just my job. But I identified really well with it. So what now?

My Auntie Em sent me a book called Gift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh, which I just picked up today. She thought it would help me in my quest to find my self-worth now that I'm not working full-time. The first chapter talks about how nothing mental happens at the beach the first time you visit. You have every intention, but when you sit, your tired body takes over and you relax. It reminded me of cruises I took in my previous life - when you're at sea, grab a chair and watch the waves roll by. If you're lucky, you'll be lulled to sleep by the sound of seaspray and be vaguely aware of shuffleboard nearby.

In my quest to find something, anything, to make me employable, I've forgotten how to just be. I'm a hard worker, and I'm a good worker. Whatever job I'm doing, you can be damn sure I throw myself into it. My stint as a kennel attendant was proof that I could shovel the shit and do a fine job, as my boss applauded my attitude and my work ethic and the ability to remain upright while a golden retriever tried to have his way with me, all the while worrying I'd have a heart attack from all the sweat I produced. (It was August, after all.) I am daunted by the fact that I know there are other hard workers out there. This economy sucks. Which is why I am at last leaving the insanity. I am going o learn to enjoy my time away from office politics. From deadlines imposed on me by others. From being chained to my desk while others roam free. Yes, I am still "wasting" some of my time. I watch too much TV and surf the internet. I worry about money. But I'm doing good things too. I'm babysitting, and I enjoy everything but the dirty diapers, but even those are far and few between. I got a gig typing up some notes for a guy so his attorney's secretary didn't have to. I found out how close I am to the George Washington National Forest. I went to the Air and Space Museum and saw the space shuttle Enterprise. Discovery will be coming this way as well. I am cooking more, and choosing to eat at home more, because I like the food at home better! I'm learning Photoshop, and I am amazed at what this program can do to pictures. I call my grandmother more often. (But not on any schedule because I like to keep her guessing.) And I am boning up on entrepreneurship because in this economy, it seems that you can only rely on yourself. It's funny - back in 2001, we had a recession. But because I had a job, I didn't even notice it. I felt bad for those who weren't working, but it didn't affect me. This time, I notice the effects. But perhaps it's the kick I needed to get my business brain on. Making bracelets when I was a kid, teaching violin lessons as a teen...how odd to not notice a trend for years. I crave freedom and the ability to do what I want when I want. So, I'm going to stop being stupid. I'm going to invision waves lapping at my feet and maybe being 10 pounds thinner so I don't worry about how I look in a bathing suit. Then, it will happen. I'm going to relax. I'm going to figure out, really figure out, what I want to do (I have an inkling, but I'm not willing to share just yet). It'll be hard, but I'm going to stop worrying so much. Stop laughing John, I'm going to! I'm still going to watch TV, but maybe a little less so I can think and be uncomfortable, have an "Aha!" moment, then feel good that I didn't zone out.

And I'm going to go eat more cake. 'Tis my birth month, after all.